So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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