hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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