I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
