I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
