I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
