and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
