I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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