i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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