I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
