Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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