i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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