Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
