You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
