i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
