I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
