the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize