My liver just broke up with me...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm like, not good at living.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
