i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
