her vagine was all disorganized.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
