Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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