my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
