I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
