A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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