I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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