I look better un-naked...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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