shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
