my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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