Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
