you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
