So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
