Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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