we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
