if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
