I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
