i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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