He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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