i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
