conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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