Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
