im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
