you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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