I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
