After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
