Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
