Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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