Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
