I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Randomize
