Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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