My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
