If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
