so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I have demons in me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
