Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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