I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize