I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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