Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
