so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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