I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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