You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
